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Adultery in Thailand: Three Handy tips on Keeping your Penis attached to the rest of you.

Wonder no more. Though Thailand has never been a major force in spectator sports, it recently took the coveted Adultery World Cup by a comfortable margin. But if you, silly farang, think you can get away with it, think again: Thai ladies play for keeps and, though you may escape with your life, you may leave something precious behind…

Before you snigger, consider this: adultery is the most popular participatory sport on earth. Adultery – in the broadest sense of the term – is played by more people than all organized sports combined. It offers equal opportunities (and is equally embraced by) both men and women. LGBT folk can play without the slightest discrimination. It is, furthermore, incredibly inexpensive (at least in the short run) to play. While golfing equipment, clothing, and play time can run in the thousands, adultery equipment is literally minimal. What’s not to like?

I’ve been a keen observer of adultery in Thailand and, while trying not to be too pushy or creepy I’ve also tried to make sense of the sex/gender scene here. I love figuring out what make cultures tick and the local approach to adultery is an exotic aspect of Thailand’s ancient culture. [By culture I mean a pre-solved environment in which all the major decisions about human relations have been made, known, accepted and practiced by the entire society].

To begin with, Thai men can be counted on 100% to participate. Thai men are the most enthusiastic and brazen adulterers I have ever seen. Their approach is not subtle. I’ve seen them pitch a woman at a club when her husband went to the bathroom.

Thai men maintain their carefree attitude to sex and its consequences after marriage, too. Up to 40% of them abandon their families – according to Thai authorities and my (abandoned) Thai women friends. One consequence is that many Thai children live with semi-literate grandparents back on the farm – where most Thais maintain family rights – and this depresses literacy. Thai kids are fifth in Asian children’s literacy poll). Alimony and child support exist only on paper. Few ex-husbands contribute to the support of their children and there is no effective enforcement of court orders. So much for the down side of adultery!

The other side of Thai adultery is the fun side, and that’s the whole point: it’s inexpensive, novel, dangerous and pleasurable all at once. It’s sanook, and sanook  (fun and fun) is Thailands’ #1 priority.

They’ve been adulterizing for centuries and managed to avoid too much bloodshed. Even the blood is shed pretty even-handedly: jealous Thai gals kill cheating Thai guys (and always a kitchen knife) about as frequently as guys kill gals. This is one of the rare examples of gender equality in Thailand! In fact, Thai gals get their revenge on Thai guys in fascinating ways. They’ve figured out a lifestyle that most women in the world would envy. They’ve put men in their place. Here’s how they do it:

Angry Pattaya Fried Chicken Seller Slices Husband’s Penis Off

A Pattaya friend chicken woman found out her husband was cheating on her – so she decided to be extra nice to him this morning. She spoke to him gently and started stroking him in a place where most men don’t mind being touched. Then as he was really getting in the mood she whipped out a box cutter and attacked his penis. Medics found the man in agony screaming with an ice compress held to his privates outside their rented room in Soi Nern Plab Wan. The penis was still attached, but only just, and Somchai (assumed name) was covered in blood. After emergency first aid the Bangkok man was rushed to Banglamung Hospital with his wife Ann in tow.
An – a native of Kamphaengphet who sells fried chicken – told medics from the Sawang Boriboon foundation that she had found out that her husband had been cheating on her with a trusted close friend. She lulled him into a false sense of security on Tuesday morning by stroking his genitals before attacking him with the box cutter. She said there was blood all over the bed and her husband was howling so she decided to call the medics. The doctors said that Somchai had lost a lot of blood and would need close supervision. It was too early to tell whether he would regain full use of his penis as there was severe psychological trauma to contend with as well as the injury itself. They said they would have to wait and see.

You might think this is a one-off, a freakish event – but you’d be wrong. Here are two citations from medical journals to give you a little perspective:

Surgical Management of an Epidemic of Penile Amputations in Siam.  

Kasian Bhanganada, Tu Chayavatana, Chumporn Pongnumkul, Anunt Tonmukayakul, Piyasakol Sakolsatayadorn, Krit Komaratal, and Henry Wilde, for the medical techniques described in their report — techniques which they recommend, except in cases where the amputated penis had been partially or totally eaten by a duck.  American Journal of Surgery, 1983, no. 146, pp. 376-382.

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